Unhappy 2010

Too many unhappy things happen in the year 2010. There are some that reminds me back of the past, but now there are more things adding to it. Life is harsh, life is miserable for me, but I believe, if I make myself think that life is miserable, I'm drowning myself to depression and would not come back but *SNAP* like what something nearly happen a few years back.

About a week ago, I lost someone who is precious to me who is my grandmother. She was my strength to pull through all hard times. Knowing that she is here, I will work hard to achieve my promises to her. But all I manage was to let her see me graduate and bought a camera to take plenty of her pictures. There was one more wish I had, which it to find that right person and introduce him to her. But that would never happen now.

I'm still hurting now even after crying all out. I still ask her at times, why did you leave me? I haven't found the right person, how could you just leave me? I know I'm selfish to think like this. I'm just totally lost. I try my best instead now to make it up to T and make him happy, but to him, I'm just making his life miserable. How else can I help him when I try my best to put a happy face? What else am I to do when he gets angry and I spoil his mood when I try to be funny to him? Just tell me?

Why is this year such a bad start? Finally I had to say out one of the secrets that's been eating me up. I lost my car. It would be shocked. I do know my relatives would read this but eventually I can't hide this much longer. I had an accident where I was not the driver. I allowed someone to drive my car (I do apologize as I'm still protecting this person and not mentioning his name) but he lost control of the car and crash the car. The entire front half was gone. The engine block was not spared as its case have a crack. I, who was sitting at the back left was thrown to the front middle where I hit my head hard on the rear mirror and broke it off the ceiling. Yes, I didn't wear my seat belt.

I can now say that I haven't been driving my car to work like how I pretend to. My car is not in the workshop to be repaired. It is in a workshop alright but to claim total lost. There are many times I do hope that I just died in the crash instead. I just do not want to deal with all these matters anymore. To lost someone dear to me is bad enough, but to have to try to please and make T happy, I give up. I do not know what to do to please him anymore. If I'm dead, he would be happier that I do not make his life miserable. That is all I can think of now.

I do know I'm sliding into slide depression and I'm trying hard to pull myself back but I just do not have the energy anymore. My source of strength is not here with me and I do wish that I can just go and be with her and my other grandparents.

Bad Start for a New Year

Everyone would start their new year in a happy tone. Unfortunately, this year I start with a bad one. I let myself be haunted by my happy memories which now doesn't help my situation much. I let myself be carried back to the month of March 2009 where I first met this person. I'm amaze how I can remember how everything was when I normally can't remember how I met my other friends.

It was there in Sunway Pyramid Arcade where I just started playing Para-Para Paradise with a friend. He then came and approach my friend to teach him how to score. Then another friend was not happy as she was not taught. In the end she was taught too and due to her asking for his number, I went to ask for his number but to be told by my friend that she do not want his number. Let's give a name to this guy. I shall refer to him as T.

After taking T's number, I didn't call him but he message me in Friendster to say he has found me. We then exchange message in Friendster for just a few messages and I got tired of checking if I have a new message in Friendster and asked for his MSN. It was then we chat all the time. Day and night on MSN and also calling and sms-ing. Time flies and little did I know I was falling slowly for him. I can say this is not a good thing at all. It seems beautiful at that moment but now I do not know. I feel like I shouldn't have done that.

All the hurt is there and it is greater now from all my previous history of falling for a guy before he falls for me. To keep him by my side, I always go out with him and do everything together till I can even show a jealous and black face when he treats other girls better. That was the turn off about me. Things didn't go any better but worst from there. Whatever I did in the past can't be forgotten. It is always being brought up. I just do not know what to do.

The other bad thing is, I'm keeping a secret that is eating on me. This secret can make people see an incident in a different manner and not let me eat myself up by holding full blame on an event. What am I to do? Worst, another incident happen and I got my family angry with me for covering and protecting him. Soon if my friends know, I will get another round of question where they would ask, " Is it worth it to protect him. What has he ever done for me? How has he make you happy?" How am I to cover that? Even a stranger when he looked into my eyes and can see sorrows in my eyes.

Am I torturing myself to still like him after all these? Why can't I let go? Even when he is falling for someone else at this moment and that person do not know how he is but thinks he is a very sweet and good guy, what am I to do? I just do not know. All I know I have started my new year badly and things are going that way as I can't pull myself together but let myself sink in depression.